Shampoo and things.

I’ve felt like writing blog posts about a couple of topics lately.  The first one about shampoo, because I’m upset that they changed the formula of Pantene — not fake upset, I am actually really upset about this.   The second, about how my brain is acting up again.  I don’t think anyone cares about shampoo, so I won’t do that.  And I think that if I write about the second one, it’s a weirdly personal thing to blog about.   But here I am, typing.

This is my sixth week of work now.  It should be fine.  They give me things to program, and I program them.  I listen to music and write code.   I make websites.  These are things that I like.  I do them for free for other people, and now I’m getting paid.   This should be easy.  But it’s not, because my brain hates me.  Tell me to do these things at home, and I can do them.  Tell me I need to go to a building and sit in a cubicle and do these things, and I can’t.   Instead, I think about the fact that the cubicle is so far away from all the exits of the building.  I think about the fact that I’m hungry, and being hungry is making me panicky, but being panicky renders me unable to eat.  I think about the fact that I’m thinking, and not writing code.   I feel guilty.   I want to cry, but hold it back.   Getting panicky.  Okay, need to walk.  Get up, walk to the bathroom.  Calm down.  Go back to cubicle.  Repeat.  Somehow I’m actually getting work done while all this is happening, but if I was at home, this work would’ve been done about 10 times faster.  And somehow this is still faster than some other people work. Braintorturebraintorturebraintorture LUNCH TIME!  I go home.  Put on TV, and try not to think.  Or take a short nap.  Or like today, cry for twenty minutes, clean myself up, and then head back to work.   The afternoon is usually worse than the morning.  Two nights a week I have band, and those are the only times I feel human.

Today I failed at the going-back-after-lunch part.  Bad day.  Bad, bad day.  I’m staying home tomorrow, too.  Since stopping my anxiety medication over a year ago, I’ve had lots of bad days, but in between the bad days, there was lots of time to reset back to a functional state.  Two-day weekends are not cutting it.  I’ve been crying myself to sleep, and constantly feel like I need to run away from everything.  I simultaneously want people to stay away from me, and to hug me.  I’m depressed, and anxious, and I’m going to the doctor tomorrow.  Déjà first year.  But not really, cause I’ll never let it get that bad again.

All of this just makes me so terrified about the future.  This job is pretty much as close to “ideal anxiety conditions” as I could get.  It’s 10 minutes from my house, I’m mostly left alone to work, I get my own space, my boss is super nice and understanding, and I can do the work.   If I can’t do this… I don’t know how I’m supposed to get through life.  There are work-from-home jobs, yes.  I could do those.  Then I’d be okay.  But I don’t want those.  I don’t know what I want.  I want to want things.

A few weeks ago I actually gave a presentation about mental illness at work.  That’s good, everyone knows not to stigmatize me now, I guess.

I am jealous of the people who don’t have to deal with this…  who can just go to places and be social and do things.  It’s really impressive.  I don’t know what I’m going to get from my doctor tomorrow.  Probably some sort of medication, but I don’t want to take whatever I was on before.  Maybe something different will not cause the emotional numbing effect (although right now, numb sounds good.)   Therapy is good stuff, but I don’t have insurance right now.  It’s probably worth spending the money though, anyways.

In conclusion, things are stupid, I want to be on a beach, writing this has made me feel a little better, and if you see the following bottle of shampoo anywhere, BUY THEM ALL and I will pay you back.  (Pantene Classic Care Shampoo or 2in1)

NOT the one in this bottle:

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